Wanaka or bust

•November 13, 2010 • 2 Comments

Makarora was cloudy and gray, and a fierce tailwind hounded me out along the high glacier plateau.  I arrived at the shore of a huge (30 km long) lake, whose navy blue surface had choppy whitecaps all across  it.   Another lake, Hawea had a smoother surface, and more turquoise water, but when I tried the water, it was too cold to swim.
Finally the tailwind became a side wind, and hills barricaded my swift progress. Not to be defeated, I  jogged a kilometer in my fine white Shimano bike slippers, clickety-clack.  While shoving the overloaded bike along, Iwondered why I have to grab things like boots, buckets, ribbons, bangles, flowers, etc.? And load them on….?)

Oy.

Before I got into town, I switched costume from my neon blue wooly tights and lacy skirt with the four “tail lights” on the back, to my 42 below jersey and a generous smear of lipstick.   Despite the effort to look professional and polished, I  failed to wow ’em at “Edgy Racers”  bike shop. I guess the Homeless Lady bicycle luggage didn’t help.
The mechanic, a blase Canadian who has seen everything, suggested I look on Couch Surfing.com….I said: ‘but I’d rather operate within the bike culture, so that’s why I came through here first… say, can you tell me if my bike is solid enough to finish the last stretch of my journey…I only have 3 gears that work…”
“You gotta take the panniers off first”.

The formerly tidy bike shop became a frightening jumble of plastic sacks full of Way Too Much Clothing, and  Dubious Foodstuffs.  I kicked the 70-odd pounds of stuff over into a corner near the dressing room, wishing it were not so … er. Not so.  I knew I’d have to slam it all back and roll out within the hour. No hope of being a resident Shop Rat/raconteuse here….

But the wall where I’d piled my hoard was covered with meticulously matched up contour maps of precisely where I planned to ride, and I had to study it, and silence the “get out of here” vibe I was picking up. In fairness, it was a tiny space, and sales were happening as I rooted through my junk, hoping to get a cool souvenir to give them for their help, however unhelpful it might turn out to be.

The tough choice was between the high, short route over the Crown Range (some climbing involved, but only tourist traffic) or the longer, 110 km route through the What-the-fu  canyon. On route 6, which is becoming more and more like the Route 2 of the North Island:  a de-facto freeway. And I am nauseated by the realities of cycling in New Zealand. They don’t give a damn about vulnerable road users–they only slow down for cows because of the potential damage to their fucking car or truck.

I told him that option one looked best.

He fingered my wheel with the bike up on the stand.  “Your brakes won’t stand up to the 25 km of steep downhill switchbacks. With that load of yours, the rims will split under the constant braking,…”

This wasn’t good news, and I spent  the rest of the afternoon strategizing about how to a) throw my junk into a tourist’s van, and collect it at the botton, and ride unencumbered, or just b) not bother riding, and hitchhike the last leg.
I’m  superstitious about accidents that happen “on the last run of the day”…(never mind that a broken leg makes it impossible to do any more runs) and it is often tempting to switch plans (and foil Miss Adventure, the goddess of non-planning travelers) to dodge out of harm’s way. For me, harm is that fishtailing trailer being towed by a genuine hoon.

So I studied up on my options, which are very few when one is hungry.

This half of the trip I’ve kept my renown in the bag, hence a very undazzled kid in Wanaka.

I gave him and James (the other shop mech) my precious 2007 SSWC Aviemore beer opener for their kind counsel, and putting up with my exploded luggage. As I rolled out the door with a poorly-repacked extra wide bike, the first mechanic said ,  “Go over to Kai, and just talk to people there. You’ll probably find something”

And so I went to Kai, leaned the ungainly bike on a shrub, and waited in line behind three tanned, blonde girls who could have been in Vail, Nice, or Whistler .  When my turn came I said “I’d like a plate of your fries with aioli, your local brewski, and a place to stay tonight.

The servers eyes lit up and she said “we have room at our place….under one condition…”

“Name it”

“You may not clean up  the kitchen”

“Deal”.

When I let myself into their little cottage, I regretted my promise—here was a home where no cleaning lady has been–ever.   Twenty sacks of debris–beer mostly–adorned the yard.
I excavated a large, badly scarred teflon pan and got to work making supper for three. My suppies have to dwindle immediately, so I dumped all the good arborio into the sizzling pan (black bits of plastic bobbing along in the oil….ulp…) chopped a couple of onions and made a huge risotto.

A Czech boy came in with a case of beer under his arm–a  roommate–fresh off a 9 hour hike up on the mountain across the lake.  He is nearly the first person I’ve ever met that babbles more than me….he raved about his somewhat dangerous adventure, and eyed the pan I was stirring.

I served him and Hollie’s man and myself, and dove into bed in broad daylight, wiped out, but tucked under a real duvet in a real “sleep out” (rear cottage) of my very own.

Makarora & Cheese

•November 12, 2010 • 1 Comment

The last two days have been ride-intensive: from Lake Paringa to Haast under a goosedown gray sky, with side trip up the “Ship Creek Walk” (I love pedaling on the chicken-wire covered pedestrian walkways, my hundred poundcyle not wobbling a bit even when the walkway jogs right and left through the trees).  Fantastic bush, with Kahikatea trees–the tall, ‘curly’ ones and wind-polished shrubbery lining the ride, and the boggy bits full of tree fern and cabbage tree.

There are tons of bronze-emerald moss upholstered cliffs around here…the ride up the broad Haast river valley is so stunning even the hurryuppies in campervans are pulling over to capture cloud-wreathed snowy peaks.

It’s nowhere near as empty as I thought it would be. In a way, New Zealand feels like an outdoor Disneyland. On the river raft, the guides told us that now and then someone would ask: Is this a salt-water river?  Or: Do the rocks go all the way down to the bottom of the river?  (Snide answer: no, they just float on top). Best one: “They sure did a good job of hiding the rails on this ride”. (I can’t believe someone really believed that, but that’s what Pat Connel said).
Haast (named for Dutch explorer of yore) is barely a town, just three hotels and a Foursquare grocery with ‘pub’ attached: The Grumpy Cow. That’s the second “grumpy” name for a cafe.

Speaking of which, every day I sail along hoping not to be buzzed to close by a big truck, campervan, or speedster in a passenger car.  Today I had only two close calls.

Today,  I’m flying down a hill (grateful that the bike is holding up, and the gear hasn’t flown off or tangled in the wheels), and just as I’m finishing my gratitude prayer (to know-one in particular) an eedjit in a “ute” with a trailer bouncing along behind comes round me at 120 kph–in the middle of a sweeping turn (you know what trailers do in turns, right? They veer!)
OY. I wanted to ask the guy (later seen coming back with a boat lashed to trailer) if he’d had an extra helping of Grumpy this morning.   Somehow just thinking silly shit like that helps keep me on an even keel.

It’s tiresome thinking I’m gonna get plugged by some

a) hoon

b) bogan

c) look ’em up!
on the road…

Kathy Lynch is Alive And Well

•November 8, 2010 • Leave a Comment

One of my favorite competitors came from New Zealand, sorry, TWO of my faves–Offrhoda Morrison, and Kathy Lynch.
Rhoda got some coverage earlier in the blog.
Down here on the South Island, I’d heard Kathy was ‘hiding out’.
No one had  been able to locate her. But Roger-the-farmer down by Fox River bridge knew precisely how to find her phone number, and put us in touch.

Next day, after a good five hour, 55-km ride (seems fast to me)   I was getting picked up (“the nixt butt of road isn’t particularly spishow”, she assured me) and driven  down coast a day ahead of schedule. 

Kathy is even more beautiful (some would say “handsome”–a grudging compliment for women like  Hepburn who refuse to conform to gender type, but were knock-outs anyhow) than when I last saw her in 1992 on the World Championship podium at Bromont, Quebec.
Her seat rail broke (‘it was the Lighter Is Better period, remember?’ she shrugged) and the saddle fell off–and instead of silver she got bronze, and I got the silver. I offered her my prize purse, and still don’t remember if she accepted.

Her racing was top-level, both road and dirt. She’d been to most of the women’s classics, and always on a shoestring. From her I learned how  the Kiwi bicycle federation (or whatever) cared nothing about mtn biking…even when she qualified for the Olympics she had to raise her own dough to get t o Atlanta…while the road team were flown in with a coach, staff, etc….
GRRRR!

It gets better: the bike that Avanti (Kiwi bike importer of fine Chinese POS’s) gave her that year (1996) was found to have a hole in the bottom bracket. The Shimano tech who always  looked after Kathy (like Bert Boom did for me) said that she was not gonna ride that bike in the Olympic race–she had to get a different one.

Kathy’s petite, and her 14 cm machine from home–the ol’ trusty four year old ride she’d been ‘upgraded’ from–was expedited to Georgia,  arriving with about a day to spare…talk about suspense.  Then the UCI decided to shorten the women’s course by a lap and a half–out of concern for the horses who shared the same competitive arena I guess. I’m a little unclear on that. But what else is new when the officials, on the morning of the event, change the length?
So much for training for particular distances, course times, etc. Kathy said that the races had become 45 minute “sprints” that year….and that the Olympic officials didn’t allow the cyclists onto the course until the day before their race (!). Kathy ignored that, and ran into the Army combing over the rocks with bomb-detection equipment.’

Needless to say she was taken into custody for flouting the No Bikes rule (gotta admire her pluck) and was contemplating  what they were going to do with her as the hour she was in detention dragged on…and Chantal from Canada intervened and said that Kathy wasn’t a terrorist.

Whew.
I got a double earful of tales about living very close to the bone and racing at top level…about the Coast to Coast, which she’s  won something like five or six times, and about how Kiwis really do chop down the Tall Poppies, hate it when someone excels.
At the tourist info (“i-site”) I proudly pointed out my physical proximity to a Genuine Olympian, and Kath wheeled around and disappeared.

Oops.
I keep forgetting. She had a whole lot more guys who treated her like shit, and her governing body let her hang out in the wind–and it’s not hard to see how even though it was the liveliest, most resourceful period of her thirties and forties, it’s not exactly a golden-tinted idyll ( girlfriend, I can relate! I know what it’s like to have the ages, categories, prizes, and even contractual details switched around to  deprive you what you’re due simply because you were a superior being in an inferior milieu)
So now here we are in Rimu, the tiny town near Hokitika where she and Peter Br.,  her boyfriend of 35 years have a small holding. He is an electrician by trade and an engineer by training,  working in Christchurch because there’s a lot of work to be had there…

She and I had the place to ourselves and talked til way after dark, then I showed her the Magellanic  Clouds–a pair of nebulous puffs of star material too distant to distiguish, but as obvious to me as a pair of sheep’s wool shreds hanging up in a celestial barbed wire fence.
“You’ve enlightened me yit agin!” she declared.

And with that, I trundled off to sleep.

Fox River Bridge

•November 7, 2010 • 1 Comment

Yesterday Em Miazga (AKA Powergirl) and her mate Mitch toured me around the Charming Creek walkway…a mellow 3 hour loop right out the door of their Granity house. Almost immediately a miscommunication occured, and while Mitch showed me “the land” (their hilly 32 acre block overlooking the sea, as yet unbuilt), Em waited at the trailhead eight km away…

“Let me tell you how Charlie and I do it…” I advised Mitch.  “Be very precise, and then have one another paraphrase what you understand “the route” is”. 

Last night they got separated riding the 1 kilometer over to Adam’s place to meet me for dinner.  Yeah, verily, even on the West Coast’s sole road, one can find alternate routes and short cuts.

After a pleasant tour (free of the pamn danniers)  I got a little headstart toward points south (gonna ride to Queenstown for a queen convention) , skipping the Boring Section Of Coast.   Under clear (all day!) skies and light wind  I crawled toward Charlestown.  The  Breezer “Lightening” tracks pretty well under load.  I pray all the little zip ties hold.  Ahem.

Milk trucks went by, four or five of them. At 100 kph, they make a dreadful wind, and one has to brace hard because they’re double-tankers, and that back one can really veer on the roads not intended for speeding 40-ton machines. I pray  I’ll survive…last night I stayed at Pyramid Farm–backpacker farmhouse that wasnt open but a very kind proprietor (thanks Don!)  opened it for chilly biker with a pleading look.
At breakfast, he admonished me to look out for those trucks (what about all those ‘no traffic’ rumors I’d heard on the North Island?).

 “Can’t they look out for me??”
“Motorists get killed too”.
Very helpful.

This morning: out by nine, and by eleven, after several prolonged stops  sitting on any stretch of beach in the Paharoa National Forest that suits me (nice flax plants? Check. Scenic rocks poking out of bright blue sea? Check. No milk trucks within earshot? Check.
Then I’d cross the road. Hang out. Think about pulling out the journal, drawing something.
Allow  phelan to pass.

And then, yet another Fortuitous Kiwi Experience. I saw a big footbridge veering off at the Fox River’s mouth.  A gentleman was speaking with a woman carrying a can of paint. As he was about to shove off, I asked if I could photograph his excellent pounamu necklace, a lively, elongated Koru shape.

“An image is almost as good as having it” I said innocently.

“A friend made it for me”  he smiled. “The old way. No diamond cutters..”
I wondered if it was Robert Long (author of A Life On Gorge River).

“You might wonder what we’re doing here” he went on.  “We’re painting the bridge, which we  all own…”
Shrugging off  my violent allergy to work,  I carefully propped the burdened bike on a boulder, and took up  a brush.
 400 more miles to get to Qtown, but no reason to rush. Don had stressed that: take your time, don’t just blast on through in this good weather.  Nothing beats taking it easy, and then slowing down even more.

Then I got to talking with the woman (Kathryn) whose American accent gave her away. “I was traveling around the world…and I got stuck in New Zealand!” was her explanation for her 15 year’s sojourn. 

Obviously, it was a good fit.

When I told her I was a bike racer once, her face changed and she mentioned that a good friend had just died on her bike two days earlier, when she lost control of the bike and slid into a concrete barrier.
I got goosebumps. 

The gentleman  returned, brandishing a teardrop-shaped greenstone on a cord.  

 “For you. An’ it’s Ahaware river, local stuff, not imported.”

Oh, man…oh man, I…I…am I worthy? Do I deserve gifts? Don’ t I give them?
Reader, I worked on that bridge at least an hour, and then Les (the giver, a local artist, teacher and know of much Maori heritage) gave me a tour of a cave that’s even better than Cathedral Cove in Whitianga, where food was preserved (‘it’s nature’s refrigerator in here), stored, and much shell-banging and good living took place before the swarm of white people.

Kathryn invited me to stay at her very comfortable sheep farm, and now I’m staring at slightly more ruffled blue ocean than I saw this morning, my clean clothes writhing on the line and a fine Australian red (Wynn’s Coonawarra) cab in the glass.

Roger and Kathryn have been together 12 years, and look to be as content a pair of complementary people could be…Over stories (and good music) I got to hear how they met (‘she said she had a chain saw’) and bonded.

Now it’s bedtime. Banjo on the CD. I can’t say who it is (what a drag–I thought I was a connoisseuse). Tom Adams. Never heard of him!

Heaphy, wealthy, and wise

•November 1, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I’ve heard heaps about the 82km Heaphy track, one of the great walks.
In 2001 when the Kahurangi forest park became a national park, in order to keep things consistent, bicycles were booted out. (Tom Swifty alert!)

SO…I had to go back in time in order to experience the track.  I turned back the Temporo-tron to 2000 (big year, boob cancer, the beginning of the WTB nightmare) and signed up for a couple of nights in the wonderful, wood heated huts thoughtfully sprinkled alongthe track every 10 miles or so.

It was great. Naturally I didn’t want to spoil it for future mtn bikers,so I didn’t deploy my Breezer Personal Conveyance on this trip. You’ll have to look at Heaphytrack.com to see pix, the brilliant photography of freethinker Paul Murray, who runs the wildly popular international hostel known as Rongo Backpackers (“Rongo” means peace in some language. Back to you on that….)

And i fyou want to see my scary costume, go to singletrack.com and flip through the twenty pix associated with SSWC 2010.  You’ll cringe.

 

In the shadow of Power Girl

•October 26, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Em Miazga is a 34 year old adventure racing nutritionist known for her top finishes in the Coast To Coast race, and for sprinting madly alongside Andy Schleck and Mr. Contador in this year’s Tour, on the Col du Tourmalet. Her  yellow bikini showcases the stunning abs of a person that paddles extremely tippy kayaks down extremely lively rivers. That shit really works the core, man.
She blew into Rotorua  a week ago today on a rainy afternoon.

 While chopping up samples of her product, we yakked away the afternoon, she offering cookie samples and me introducing myself and welcoming people and making name tags.  This will be my Big Contribution at the Irish SSWC2011 …learning all the names! Please don’t let it be 850 names….

Em let me travel back to the South island (aka The Mainland) with her in her van, stopping for business in the pretty port town of Nelson.
Her business manager is Jane Martin, another kayaker whose husband Andrew is a world champion  whitewater kayaker and carbon fiber kayak maker…apparently there is a special New Zealand style of boat….long, fast, and extremely jumpy.

He told us a good ride to do (the Dun Mountain walk, with a gnarly rocky switchbacky descent over Coppermine Saddle) in the Bryant Mountains…. major fun.

Rather than go straight home I pestered a kid named Reuben at RIDE (local big shop) and then barged into the music store to borrow their lonely, solitary banjo and frail a little. No pix….

Rhythm & Bruise at Singlespeed WOrlds Rotorua New Zealand

•October 23, 2010 • 1 Comment

JP  front SSWC10 by Jamie Bate REar shot of bruiseMy costume has been developing nicely, and I know that a few hundred others have gleaned debris, or even just bought something at A J’s Warehouse or the Salvation Army…I’m sporting the iconic Kiwi soft drink, the L&P bottle , but with my initials. A bit wide for the twisty single tracks. That will oblige each overtaking rider to plead with me to pass.
The less-visible front half of me is the Topp Twins with a twist: a baling twine-emblazoned “Jools & Lynda”on the front of my beige jumper (sweater to you) and two heart-shaped holes clipped in the pertinent places to give The Girls some air. Please do a search for Jools and Lynda, learn what you can.. they’ve been made Dames of New Zealand, and are cultural heroines from wayyyy back. Their documentary is brilliant, too (Untouchable Girls).

The left is the better side, because of my now vinyl record-sized black and blue bruise from the Whaka race last Saturday. It is marked with the words “actual size”, and the other leg says “actual thighs”.

The hematoma resembles cheap Halloween makeup.  Luckily it duzzn’t hurt (unless touched).
Damo Auton is  majestic: he melds artistic prowess, playfulness and damn it, even durability: a real mirror-tiled disco ball topping a silver lame skinsuit and space shoes, plus his usual music speakers. Glitter girl Mops Newell, one of NZ’s top pro women, sported her own silver disco unitard…a perfect (accidental) match.

I  wish I’d had more stamina to hang with all the incredible riders. Each night I’d turn in at around eleven, just when things would start cooking at that Copper Donkey place.  One night I even hitchhiked home, since I’d allowed myself to be driven into town…Obsessive  note-and name-taking enabled me  read all their blogs, once I got home to my Boring Life…heh.

There were about 900 racers… Damon Stewart, my “ten days worth of gracious-living” sponsor wore orange and yellow wings with real feathers, stitched by his sweetie Lucy Manning. Mike the veterinarian wore just his tightie (by now rather Loosey) whities from Napa 08.  There were vikings, three of them in yellow fur and horns (crestfallen when mistaken for yellow cows).  There were nurses, swamp things, YMCA cops and DeJay Burtch had only a thong, handcuffs and a tambourine (plus that fu-manchu moustache). On one glute: “happy”, and on the other: “pain”.

LOTS of business suits this year (I kicked off “here come the suits” trend at Napa), including the vest-and tied pair Ben Bostrom and Chris Clark.  Ben took third (though only we are counting). I think he had the two leaders in sight a lot of the time, and like them, took all the beer shortcuts.

The Pacific rim team of 5 Filipinos (Agu,Jerry, Patrick, Chaz andAllan) plus Rezak from Singapore wore versions of the nuptial finery–and Jerry told me that his dad had been trained by colonel Bruce Cunningham during the Korean conflict of the late fifties. Come to think of it, I didn’t see Jer afterward with the others…hope he had an OK ride. There seemed to be no real casualties, just a few bloody limbs.

But the race, race… sunny non-windy day. The day before was sunny and windy, which dried the course out to perfection, traction-wise.
We were gathered in a huge ring and made to ride in a very dense Critical Mass, herded by Dean Watson from high up on a crane.  For the second year in a row, I started next to the world-traveling Tarik Saleh, who brought the whole family with him (not into the start corral, though). His pics are some of the best.  The corraled racers  had to be fully in motion (at .0o2 mph) before we were allowed to funnel through the gate and up a steep Take-A-Number-Please Walk Up A Very Good Hill For Sorting Everyone Out.
I was on a borrowed (thank you Kristina!) 9er singlespeed which was perfectly geared, allowing me to pass nearly all the overgeared  guys in my “cohort” .

I clung to a woman named Rachel’s wheel–a loud muffler rattling away  (there was a team of ‘muffler bikes’ ). Her fetching black butyl fringed kilt waving, and all the perfect lines nailed for me. It’s nice to be able to see precisely how the trail doubles back, and I can plan my lean (allowing a bit of clearance for the cardboard bottle). I whacked plenty of trees, but the thing stood up…After a lap, I considered stopping, but there was still some zip in my legs. I went the next lap, and was reet gladduvit.

God I sound boring. Almost as bad as the guy explaining to his pal about all the electrolyte replacement he’d carefully put in his bottles.
My bike had a tiny waterbottle cage, so I just stopped and grabbed any bottle that looked like it had something in it (including something that tasted nearly chemical–maybe it was the Belgian brew that guy was talking about!) and even bludged a just-bitten-into banana off of a spectator…this made it a breeze to finish, prancing through the giant watercrossing with the invisible bike-eating hole under the surface (look up SSWC2010 images) so as not to pollute the creek (and dry up Kristina’s chain).
The afterparty in the park was grand, exhausted riders picnicking while the ‘decider’for 2011 took place–a horizontal bungee competition where you ran as far as you could, and placed a full beer can on the grass. Furthest distance wins.

At the end, Ireland took it, and we will all convene on THAT island next year August 27, in Ballyhoorah. Erin go bragh!

Kiwi Bikes name dropper

•October 18, 2010 • 1 Comment

Perched on a bar stool here at Jeff’ s shop on Pukuatua Street, “Rotating Rutabaga” New Zealand.

I’ve been plastering tiny name tags on everyone I meet (Justin, Jason, Jared, Jim, Tim, oh my god, it’s Jac Strachan and Chris Marquis from Edenburrow)

Whoooee…

From another side I hear a “Hello Jacquie“and whip my head around.

A well-coiffed woman wearing makeup stands in front of me, with a cute little six year old clinging to one leg.

I do  a double take (who do I know with a kid, who wears makeup?) and reflexively say the worst possible thing: “have we met?”

“Yes, a time or two at Singlespeed worlds”….oh, wait.. Mary is Travis Brown‘s sweetie. I jot her name on a sticker, and slap it on. Never mind that she used to be a big Trek exek, and I really ought to know her by now…

Their daughter Zara Rose was test driving all the cute little kid’s bikes…while Jeff chats Travis up excitedly, thinking up great photo opportunities with the Great Star…the energy of the place is pretty high…I’m enjoying using this free computer (Chur, bro!) and counting the layers of noise: the boys in the very back yucking it up…the middle distance with Jeff talking shop with the Browns, and the squeak of the kid’s bike on the cement floor. Overlaid by that sorta boring music that they have on offer here on the island.

Soon, I’ll be uploading my Tie-Dyed Thigh …the best bruise I’ve ever had. The Wendell State Forest butt contusion in 1985 was a little pimple compared to this melon-sized owie.
Luckily Damo and Libby carry a tube of arnica with them (got my own now, really hadn’t planned on needing wound care….

Liam here just told me there’s a great hot creek 25 km south of here….and a beer party, and a bus, and oh god, which to do?


Instant Kiwi

•October 16, 2010 • 2 Comments

Kiwi in An Hour—a handy Alphabetic dictionary for Singlespeeders at SSWC10 Rotorua

A-     Aotearoa (ow-tea-roah) The Land of the Long White Occupation, er,  Cloud

B-      Bach: weekend cottage. Bludge/bludger = mooch.

Box of birds – to be happy.

Bugger: verb that modifies (in negative direction) nearly everything

C-      Chook = chicken.

Chuffed = glad  Feeling crook=           unwell.

Chur: “yeah”—goes well with “bro”

Choice: Good.

D-      Dairy = convenience store. Dag = sheep feces matted into woolly clumps. “Bit of a dag” = a wag (funny person).  . Dog tucker = horsemeat, or bad food.

E-       Earbash = yell at someone.

F-       Footie = rugby , never soccer

G-      Good as (pron gooDAZZ) = great.  Give it a go = c’mon and try it. Godzone = New Zealand.  Gumboots = rubber boots with a red band.  Other accessories: swandri, black woollen singlet.

H-       Hangi = meal cooked in the ground. Heaps = lots of (pron: hayps)

Hoon, hooning = reckless brat, and their dangerous behaviour.

I-        Iwi =specific tribe– large Maori family group

J-        Jandals = plastic flip-flops

K-      Kumara (KOOmara) = sweet potato Kai=food. Koha = donation, not obligatory.

Kauri (aka Agathis australis = spectacular, ancient tree, nearly expunged thanks to its industrially important sap and timber.  New Zealand’s first fortunes were built from Kauri clearcutting.

L-       Lolly –  candy

L&P: Lemon & Paeroa: a  world famous (in New Zealand) soft drink once made with the local water. Identical to 7-up sans  million dollar advertising budget.

M-    Mince – ground meat.    Marae= maori meeting place. Metalled road =dirt road.

Mint (pron: “munt”)= excellent

N-      Netball = antipodal  version of basketball

O-      Op shop = thrift shop, charity shop, & rock and roll band

P-       Pack a sad = be depressed . Ya plonker = affectionate term for a space cadet.

Pohutukawa (Metrosideros excelsa)= New Zealand Christmas tree—found on the coasts,  with dramatic trunks and branches that recline onto the lonely beaches. Useless for lumber, hence its ubiquity.

Pakeha = non-Maori person.

Pull finger = get started (as in: “pull yr finger out of your ass… and get a move on”.)

Pie (pron, “POY”) = a pastry  often filled with savory stuff like mince (pron. ‘munz’), cheese.

Q. Queen street farmer: businessman with a  ‘lifestyle block”.

R   Rough as guts=things  done badly.

Rattle yer dags: hurry up!

Rarking someone up: rile someone

S   Squiz: a quick look.   Sparrow’s fart =       early  in the morning. Speight’s (pron: SPITES”) a good N.Z. beer–AND generous sponsor of SSWC.

Swandri (pron. ‘swan-dry’)=rough plaid woollen shirt.

Sweet as (see “good as”)  .

S’arvo = this afternoon.   Sealed road = paved road.

T-Tui- native black bird.

Tucker=food.

Topp Twins = legendary lesbian entertainers

Jools and Lynda Topp (see: Untouchable Girls).

Togs = swimsuit.

Teen = the number ten.

U   Ute = utility vehicle, small dirty farn truck.

V. Vogel’s bread, the only one worth bothering with. Ignore price.

W. Wahine = woman.  Wai = water.  Whakapapa = ancestry (not patricide!)

X (?!)

Y :  Yeh-yeh-no = yes.
Pronunciation tip: to sound truly Kiwi, you must drag “you” and “no” into two syllabled dipthongs.  And knowing German helps a little, too, since the ending syllable is U with an umlaut (double dots) on top. The first syllable  of ‘you’ is pronounced YEH. Thus: YEH-u.  And same for “no”:  NEH-u!

Z- Zealand! 1080% pure! (See: sodium monofluoroacetate, lethal poison dumped willy-nilly in a lame attempt to control rodents, marsupial pests. One of the darker realities of the lovely countryside.

This alphabet is courtesy of OffRhoda Morrison of Matakohe…my very first international racing buddy. “

I am here in NZ thanks to the NDURO team—thanks Dean, Gaz, Dave-Dale-Saul  at Bike Vegas, Jeff at Kiwi bikes, the gang at Bike Culture, and of course the very generous Damon Stewart, my cherished host.

C.   2010 Rotorua, Jacquie Phelan

Price: between  3-5  N.Z. dollars, or a beer at Pig & Whistle!

Orion Does Headstand

•October 11, 2010 • 1 Comment

I’d planned on having a totally unfamiliar sky to shiver under.

A Southern Cross to ogle, etc.

But my first clear night out in the country held another surprise: familiar arrangements upside down.  

This means a lot to me: my fave constellation (easy, bright, and big) is right there, dogs nearby.

I’ve chased (and gotten) raw milk–